hungering

"Cultivate the tree which you have found to bare fruit in your soul." - H.D.Thoreau

there are dark places in this world. i wish i could tell you there aren't hard times, that there is nothing terribly wrong. i can't do that, and a part of me is glad of such inability. not that i am pleased there is pain and that we have to bare up under the burdons. pain hurts, the dark times are lonely, and the dark times are sad. however this is only passing sentiment, i know there is nothing we can do to stay the barbed tide. our only chance is to go through.

i found myself asking this week a simple question: what kind of a soul am i building?. now there are a two conjectures i have already accepted that give me the room to ask this. 1. i believe we have souls, i can't quite explain what a soul is and i don't have any evidence of mine or yours, there is no evidence for souls but i believe we have them. 2. i believe the things we do can help shape and build our souls - this itself implies souls can grow and change, there may be things about each soul that are permanent, but for the most part i think souls can evolve. maybe my private dictionary would be likened to the public words spiritual humanity.

so i was asking myself: what kind of spiritual humanity am i building? do i hunger for good things? is this an important question to ask? how far do i let this train of thought permeate. Since i was at work when i had this thought i asked myself why i worked? of course the base reason is to exist, to provide for needs, shelter, food, water. but beneath that, existentially, why do i work? what answer good i reckon to my soul and say this is why i do it: the answer for why i work came easily - i work for my brothers. not biological brothers but human kind. thimplications of asking soul questios is normally jarring. they rarely come up when they would have little impact.

so i am asking soul questions, and i am part broken and part hopeful, part hungry and part sustained. i am really embarrassed at some of the things i put into my soul, not because i don't enjoy them but because they lack the noble qualities i hope to have. if i am to take seriously the call to cultivate those things hich i have found to bare fruit in my soul i have to change. and not some bullshit change that involves placating my conscience through avoidance. more rules to follow won't get this done.

i have very little advice for you. actually it would be incredibly inpolite to assume i could force you to take advice before you asked for it. so i reckon i won't tell you how to go through wht i am going through. i'll only ask the question: if you think you have a soul too, are you okay with how it is? and if you aren't, what needs to happen? How's your hunger?