Fortune In My Hands

flip a coin, roll the bones, draw a card, these are a few of my favorite things. chance and entropy are the chemicals rushing through my veins. i love it. when john cash sings about ramblers, gamblers, back biters, and midnight riders i recognize with all except back biting; i have the hope that three out of four won't get me cut down but i'm not holding my breath.

chance can be a dangerous thing. statistics are generated from real occurances, they don't come from a fantasy land. they are real. and i should restate - chance isn't really dangerous but reaching after it is, chasing that golden ring is what gets people killed. for every millionare lottery winner there are hundreds of thousands of losers. for every successful drug dealer there are fifteen dead, for every american dream there are countless american nightmares. many people hang out in the middle. neither risking much or gaining much. at this point in american culture it has become apparent hanging out in this group isn't a good thing. not that a risk averse strategy is bad - what's bad is the aristocrats and plutocrats have this group by the nuts. unfortunately entering into the world of entropy to try and escape is part of their game too. most of the angles are seen and the exits are covered. it is hard to break out of their terarium, to stop being a pet.

but i digress, tonight isn't about how i am addicted to chance because i am afraid i can't make it on my own. or how i think providence is more clear in the casting of lots, or that there are too many ultra rich assholes that, given the chance, i would sell their brother for a plug nickel in the hopes they can get a sawdust dime. nope, tonight is about the fortune in my hand.

folded in between a flat, shortbread cookie cracker contraption, aluring and cardboard all at once, is a tiny slip of paper. in the past two days i have gotten two of the most timely fortunes i have ever received. like i said i have a thing for entropy, i like to believe, maybe invent, something orchestrates what i receive. it's my drug, i know it's not good but it is my favortite rush. not the cookie but the belief that it matters, it is an intoxicant. so, fortune cookies, here they are, a shot of my favorite booze, and in the past two days i have gotten two wonderful vintages of single malt amazing.

"if the cake is bad then what good is the frosting?"

the utility of this statement is blatant so i dig it in the weird tyler dyrden sort of way. it also grabs at the problems i have. if the frosting is good enough i say fuck the cake. but the substance of the statement is somewhere closer to "if the foundation is bad then what good is a beautiful house?" like everything else i know what i want, i know what i don't want, what i do is a little bit of both, shuffling between something bad for me and repression. i either don't like avoiding my vices or my vices give me the floor. the rest is filled with the space of the visceral. the problem is that having any sort of intelligence punches me in the face when i think about the fortune. i know that a solid foundation is essential. i know it, i know it, i know it. but knowing it and wanting it, knowing it and sticking to it, investing into the solid foundation is what people who don't love entropy do. bastards like me stick to the sickness of chance. which brings us to the next fortune.

"your judgement is a little off at this time"

wow. okay fortune you have my attention. i shouldn't be giving a three cent cookie the time of day but you get my full attention. tell me, why is my judgement off? are you telling me what i already know about myself? i almost feel like this fortune fell some where out of the science fiction landscape that brazil, blade runner, and inception inhabit. who the hell does this little slip of paper dangling from my lips think it is? i could devour it and shit it out. how's that judgement now??? i'm not really angry by it, more entranced. a little hypnotic piece of paper owned me, is owning me. maybe i am looking too close, isn't everyone's judgement a little off at this time? i guess. what a cop out.

i keep thinking about the verse in the bible about being faithful with very little and being granted more. i suppose there are other truths, being unfaithful with very little will let you lose the little you have. faithful and gaining none, and unfaithful with little and still getting more. the other options being those with much being faithful and unfaithful and gaining or not gaining. i am beginning to think that this verse has nothing to do with chance or possesion and everything to do with judgement.

chance "guides" everyone, some will get shit cards to play and win, some will lose with great hands. a heart though, bathed in the waters of faithfulness always wins. those non violent revolutionaries win if they are lynched or if they are vindicated.

so i am looking at how i deal with chance, self denial, judgement and being faithful. thanks fortune cookies, couldn't you have just given me the winning lottery numbers.

if the sun is setting, we have one hell of a view

it's hard not to feel it. the slow crawl of static on the spine. something is eminent, we are walking towards a precipice. i am not an apocalyptic nut case - and all of these feelings i am having, and that others say they're having, very well might be a grand social experiment. we might be self generating the emotions. i don't think this. i think the emotions many of us are feeling are geniuine. however we are not at the "end" of the line. we aren't running out of track. the track is turning and new track is being laid daily. we are feeling the emotions of getting close to the unknown.

we, as a species, have been setting a lot of dominoes up - and those dominoes are starting to fall. and for as much as we would like to know where they all will fall - we simply don't know.

but this isn't a poor us post. this isn't some pack the guns and the fresh water in the basement post. and it isn't some sappy get straight with jesus post. there are enough of those kinds of things - i have written a few and they are in this blog so you don't have to go far to find them if you would like.

this is more about how good it is if this really is us fighting for the makings of a new humanity. if we are in deep then there might be no better place than where we are. there are very clear things we can work on for our human family: hunger, poverty, slavery (and those are the biggies). Add to those evils such as broken governments and enemy corporations doing nefarious things and there are more than enough systems to fight. and there are tons of good people doing good things to celebrate. the arts, good food, good friends, good beer, wonderful new enviromental conservation efforts. there are so many good things, there are many things to work on, and there are many enemies.

so be encouraged. if this is the end then we are in a great time. but like i said it isn't the end, it's just a turn into the unknown - and what a glorious unknown it is.