Stuck

i've never been one to see things through. i'm a great starter, enthusiasm, vision, the charisma to draw others in - great things at the start. i'm a poor planner but a great presenter. i over analyze my own work but i can make a contribution. But finishing, seeing the end game, i've never been good at that. And since i cannot finish a race i feel like i keep running the same race over and over. How, or even can, someone change their character? Maybe. We'll see.

snow and wind

with the snow and the wind out come the monsters of the night. the darkness that befalls me, us, transverse the universe - most of which is empty. there is not fate and if there is it doesn't think about us. And supposing fate does think of us it plays its games on the back of free will. Fate doesn't like you. if it did then it would be a different life. all the chips would be yours all the turns of chance would be exactly as you imagined. the perfections of your mind would be the perfections of the outward life. but guess what, congratulations, fate is luck. and if luck was fate then we rest on the spin of a roulette wheel. and we bet. we have to. our chips are our breaths, our actions. we play conservative when we need to, red black, don't bet after an early raise without good cards. and when the mood is right we break the rulse hoping that we make the appropriate decisions. we put our necks out there. and the damn guillotine drops its blade. do we die? yup that's not fates decision. it's physics. somehow the wheels of life are turning and you can't see the mechanisims. the machines that make the snow! the machines that make the wind! we do not see, we do not hear, we do not feel them! we only feel, see, hear, taste, smell, and perceive their ghosts! where are you souls of our captors? we are jailed by the invisible monsters but i know them, you know them. shut your eyes, shut your ears, refuse their gifts of sensation. turn off your feeling. center your mind as you refuse their gifts. once you have acheived this watch them - they will appear as little more than solid shadows but you will know them. angels? demons? gods? monsters? once you are there you have portalled to their plane, you can become as them for only moments. you can't stay. you are still material. they aren't anything of substance, well at least not in the way we understand substance. they are the artificers of our reality. they have creators and those creators and so forth. grab hold of the monsters and i won't tell you what happens. wrestle with an angel on the side of the river Jordan and your hip is touched. we have only our choices. the story i have told is not truth. their are no entities at the center of your perception, only the ones you allow to live there. make the journey to the center of the earth. the center of space, the center of life. the center of you.

i don't know what will happen if i put this out there

when i was 19 i saw something. that was 11 years ago. there was a certain make of stereo system that had lights on the front display, it was a larger type display. normally the display wouild say things like "play" or "stop". one night it didn't. the display talked to me, it sent me messages and they weren't evil, more unsettling. it new the things to say to nudge me into sorrow and fear. ... lately i've been hearing squeaks, seeing flashes of light. ... for most of my life i've experienced things i cannot explain. i am unable to tell them all here. i almost feel as if i am not allowed. people like to make pose the question, "Do supernatural things happen?" or "Show me a supernatural event and i will believe." i cannot replicate these events. i could be insane. but these are real to me. it is never my desire to impose my reality forcefully on the people around me. my prayer is that my reality is only gently revealed through my existance. i had a question typed out in this space but i am restricted in putting it down. danger will robinson, danger.

Guided by the End Time Voices

i regret being here. No, scratch that, i hate this. I hate needing to be here and needing to have a place to run that is so un abashidly pathetic. i look at the rest of the people in my life and there is this newtonian motion. people traveling up and down, forward and backward, left and right. all based on my perception. i am a judge, we are all judges, well maybe observer is a better word. we are basically stable in our perception of ourselves because it becomes difficult to evaluate reality unless we do the "really" evil thing and look at someone else and guess at what's happening in our own lives. but that's not what this is about. the real thing i wanted to talk about is this newtonian motion. every one around us is moving, through life. so this is how motion works. motion needs, at least, two points in the universe, the one at which is the starting point and, in the short term, at least, an ending point. for motion to be relatable it needs an observer. so the objects observe each other. so lets make one of the objects isolated. not talking about me here, just one of them, any one at random. make all other observers neutral. so there is one object in the universe at starting point. now if the object doesn't move it has achieved some sort of cosmic equalibrian - which is hard to imagine so don't worry about it. so now this object has the outside force of life working on it. basically like all of we do, all of us neutral, partitioned off observers. we watch this life bounce through the cosmic obstacle course that makes it move. we watch it. it rises, it falls, it succeeds, it triumphs, fails, and then it ends. that end isn't necessarily tragic because we'll all do it in time but that's how it happens. but yeah, so all of us observers do our thing - observe. and then we interpret. did the life go well? what were the triumphs? what were the falls? (in a way the life that is being observed also observes itself and where it's been and going and at and all those sort of things but remember, we're not there yet.) so the obesrvers observe and we may have similar and different opinions about what is happening with the other life that has been sanctioned off. allrighty, do you have that life in mind? now turn one more life loose on the same obstacle course. yup, just one. k now repeat the exercise. then double it up. then double it up, then double it up. you only have to work this doubling exercise 33 times to get all of the people on earth on the crazy life obstacle course. it only takes 11 doublings to get all the people in my town. so we're all bouncing around, watching and working the course. sometimes we watch for a bit but we have to move, we are all big bang fodder so we all have to move, newtonian motion requires it of us. so drink it up, we're all stardust in motion watching other stars pass us by. some stars look to me to be getting bright, others fighting, others fading. can't a star let go and not worry about how it looks to others? am i fading or burning? and certainly i must be observed because if i am not observed tghen i have dropped out of the newtonian universe into a place unaffected by the knowable laws of physics. i see patterns in the pages. we are all guided by the end time voices.

it's all crazy, it's all false, it's all a dream, it's allright

Hello. It has been longer than i planned. i think we are alone now. not really. we are never alone. at least not yet. i have done some careful consideration of heaven and hell. if hell exists then it is the state of complete aloneness. where everything, even the self, becomes seperate. that is a strange thought but i think it's accurate. if there is a Loving Merciful God then hell is not a place of unrelenting torment, hell is a relegation zone of none being, a place were the self is seperated from the source of all things and given back to nothingness. hell isn't tormented existence, hell isn't non-existence, hell is deep in the heart of God, a lonely place where only the troubled go, a place where solace is given through an alternate experience of existence. a person enters into this place and stays until the alone changes their nature. no one escapes hell but when a person (or soul) is ready it departs utterly changed, it is no longer the beleaugered, broken, bombed out identity that entered it. the soul emerges from hell fundamentally different than when it embarked. sorry i ramble. there are things happening i do not understand. i am finding this world less familar and more familar at the same time. like staring deep into a painting at a museum. the actual (whatever that is) seems to be eluding me. i don't know if my hands are real. i am deeply troubled by the things i have seen and notions i have had. and i have seen nothing compared to the visions of others. i trouble at seperating the self agrandizing bullshit from my true self. mathematics implies that there are exactly the same amount of answers as there are questions. i pronounce this false, there are far fewer answers than querries.

...

when i was 17 a friend gave me my first mixed tape. early bright eyes, kind of like spitting, and a little band called rainy day regatta. i am still listening. the tape is long gone but i hunted the nation for the RDR ep, they only pressed about 5000 copies on vinyl out of a little kansas record company about 14 years ago. it took a while but i found it. i've had it for a few years, but i haven't had a record player for a little while. i've had one since december, and needless to say i am listening.

the songs take me to a weird place. a place where i get a little confused about the things i want. i wish i could explain it better than that. but that's all there is, maybe i am influenced too often by too trivial of things.

how does someone talk openly about desires? to me that's the true mark of trust. do you trust enough to share not just who you are but the things you desire? secret fires and all of that. i feel like i am piling up things inside, i am afraid to tell anyone. i am afraid i am not who you think i am, i am afraid i am not who i think i am. i am afraid opening my mouth will end the things i love and cherish most. it is arrogance to think the things inside me are that powerful, it is fear that keeps them in.

i am afraid i am not like you, not like many. like just only the very few. i go to work and i do not feel like they are like me. i do not know what they desire. they do not show themselves. i try to drop hints but they do not hear them, they do not see them. we are all different, i wonder how different we are. i am afraid i am using everyone in my life. i don't know if anyone gets the real deal. would the real deal be rejected? it is a very conceited and selfish thought to believe in uniqueness. it is actually entirely self focused. completely inward driven. it is racked with self importance.

this is the sin of my father, and his father, and his father before him. we are full of ourselves. full of pride. full of self centerdness. i keep looking for the end game. for the thing that is important, the key to unlocking the door. the mechanism that will make the things inside less scary for me to share. is everyone afraid of the things in their heart? do you fear showing yourself? are you free to say what is on your mind, or do the things in your mind make those around you tremble? do the things in your heart make those around you live or die? i am not convinced of our times.

i am not convinced of time.

Fortune In My Hands

flip a coin, roll the bones, draw a card, these are a few of my favorite things. chance and entropy are the chemicals rushing through my veins. i love it. when john cash sings about ramblers, gamblers, back biters, and midnight riders i recognize with all except back biting; i have the hope that three out of four won't get me cut down but i'm not holding my breath.

chance can be a dangerous thing. statistics are generated from real occurances, they don't come from a fantasy land. they are real. and i should restate - chance isn't really dangerous but reaching after it is, chasing that golden ring is what gets people killed. for every millionare lottery winner there are hundreds of thousands of losers. for every successful drug dealer there are fifteen dead, for every american dream there are countless american nightmares. many people hang out in the middle. neither risking much or gaining much. at this point in american culture it has become apparent hanging out in this group isn't a good thing. not that a risk averse strategy is bad - what's bad is the aristocrats and plutocrats have this group by the nuts. unfortunately entering into the world of entropy to try and escape is part of their game too. most of the angles are seen and the exits are covered. it is hard to break out of their terarium, to stop being a pet.

but i digress, tonight isn't about how i am addicted to chance because i am afraid i can't make it on my own. or how i think providence is more clear in the casting of lots, or that there are too many ultra rich assholes that, given the chance, i would sell their brother for a plug nickel in the hopes they can get a sawdust dime. nope, tonight is about the fortune in my hand.

folded in between a flat, shortbread cookie cracker contraption, aluring and cardboard all at once, is a tiny slip of paper. in the past two days i have gotten two of the most timely fortunes i have ever received. like i said i have a thing for entropy, i like to believe, maybe invent, something orchestrates what i receive. it's my drug, i know it's not good but it is my favortite rush. not the cookie but the belief that it matters, it is an intoxicant. so, fortune cookies, here they are, a shot of my favorite booze, and in the past two days i have gotten two wonderful vintages of single malt amazing.

"if the cake is bad then what good is the frosting?"

the utility of this statement is blatant so i dig it in the weird tyler dyrden sort of way. it also grabs at the problems i have. if the frosting is good enough i say fuck the cake. but the substance of the statement is somewhere closer to "if the foundation is bad then what good is a beautiful house?" like everything else i know what i want, i know what i don't want, what i do is a little bit of both, shuffling between something bad for me and repression. i either don't like avoiding my vices or my vices give me the floor. the rest is filled with the space of the visceral. the problem is that having any sort of intelligence punches me in the face when i think about the fortune. i know that a solid foundation is essential. i know it, i know it, i know it. but knowing it and wanting it, knowing it and sticking to it, investing into the solid foundation is what people who don't love entropy do. bastards like me stick to the sickness of chance. which brings us to the next fortune.

"your judgement is a little off at this time"

wow. okay fortune you have my attention. i shouldn't be giving a three cent cookie the time of day but you get my full attention. tell me, why is my judgement off? are you telling me what i already know about myself? i almost feel like this fortune fell some where out of the science fiction landscape that brazil, blade runner, and inception inhabit. who the hell does this little slip of paper dangling from my lips think it is? i could devour it and shit it out. how's that judgement now??? i'm not really angry by it, more entranced. a little hypnotic piece of paper owned me, is owning me. maybe i am looking too close, isn't everyone's judgement a little off at this time? i guess. what a cop out.

i keep thinking about the verse in the bible about being faithful with very little and being granted more. i suppose there are other truths, being unfaithful with very little will let you lose the little you have. faithful and gaining none, and unfaithful with little and still getting more. the other options being those with much being faithful and unfaithful and gaining or not gaining. i am beginning to think that this verse has nothing to do with chance or possesion and everything to do with judgement.

chance "guides" everyone, some will get shit cards to play and win, some will lose with great hands. a heart though, bathed in the waters of faithfulness always wins. those non violent revolutionaries win if they are lynched or if they are vindicated.

so i am looking at how i deal with chance, self denial, judgement and being faithful. thanks fortune cookies, couldn't you have just given me the winning lottery numbers.