it's all crazy, it's all false, it's all a dream, it's allright

Hello. It has been longer than i planned. i think we are alone now. not really. we are never alone. at least not yet. i have done some careful consideration of heaven and hell. if hell exists then it is the state of complete aloneness. where everything, even the self, becomes seperate. that is a strange thought but i think it's accurate. if there is a Loving Merciful God then hell is not a place of unrelenting torment, hell is a relegation zone of none being, a place were the self is seperated from the source of all things and given back to nothingness. hell isn't tormented existence, hell isn't non-existence, hell is deep in the heart of God, a lonely place where only the troubled go, a place where solace is given through an alternate experience of existence. a person enters into this place and stays until the alone changes their nature. no one escapes hell but when a person (or soul) is ready it departs utterly changed, it is no longer the beleaugered, broken, bombed out identity that entered it. the soul emerges from hell fundamentally different than when it embarked. sorry i ramble. there are things happening i do not understand. i am finding this world less familar and more familar at the same time. like staring deep into a painting at a museum. the actual (whatever that is) seems to be eluding me. i don't know if my hands are real. i am deeply troubled by the things i have seen and notions i have had. and i have seen nothing compared to the visions of others. i trouble at seperating the self agrandizing bullshit from my true self. mathematics implies that there are exactly the same amount of answers as there are questions. i pronounce this false, there are far fewer answers than querries.

...

when i was 17 a friend gave me my first mixed tape. early bright eyes, kind of like spitting, and a little band called rainy day regatta. i am still listening. the tape is long gone but i hunted the nation for the RDR ep, they only pressed about 5000 copies on vinyl out of a little kansas record company about 14 years ago. it took a while but i found it. i've had it for a few years, but i haven't had a record player for a little while. i've had one since december, and needless to say i am listening.

the songs take me to a weird place. a place where i get a little confused about the things i want. i wish i could explain it better than that. but that's all there is, maybe i am influenced too often by too trivial of things.

how does someone talk openly about desires? to me that's the true mark of trust. do you trust enough to share not just who you are but the things you desire? secret fires and all of that. i feel like i am piling up things inside, i am afraid to tell anyone. i am afraid i am not who you think i am, i am afraid i am not who i think i am. i am afraid opening my mouth will end the things i love and cherish most. it is arrogance to think the things inside me are that powerful, it is fear that keeps them in.

i am afraid i am not like you, not like many. like just only the very few. i go to work and i do not feel like they are like me. i do not know what they desire. they do not show themselves. i try to drop hints but they do not hear them, they do not see them. we are all different, i wonder how different we are. i am afraid i am using everyone in my life. i don't know if anyone gets the real deal. would the real deal be rejected? it is a very conceited and selfish thought to believe in uniqueness. it is actually entirely self focused. completely inward driven. it is racked with self importance.

this is the sin of my father, and his father, and his father before him. we are full of ourselves. full of pride. full of self centerdness. i keep looking for the end game. for the thing that is important, the key to unlocking the door. the mechanism that will make the things inside less scary for me to share. is everyone afraid of the things in their heart? do you fear showing yourself? are you free to say what is on your mind, or do the things in your mind make those around you tremble? do the things in your heart make those around you live or die? i am not convinced of our times.

i am not convinced of time.