Deeper

There is a mystery here. I don't know what the One went through. On the eve of celebration i typically don't like to go to church. In fact, i don't like the first idea that comes to my mind when i say the word church. i wish my first impression was one like A.'s dad's motorcycle club. they have church every other friday night. they are each others church. they foster genuine community, invest in one another, basically they do their thing. Very Cool. this is what church should be. a small group of people taking care of each other out of common interest, doing their thing. What a significant number of people have experienced and label church as is a different beast. something grossly big and over produced, with mega structures designed to house thousands of people at once, video projectors, corporate design. these things are not inherently bad. used in their appropriate capacity they may even be a good thing. but alas i digress, i want to talk about the mystery of the One.

choosing to be ripped from eternity and entered into the annals of humanity, helpless, in a barn. not even an out cast - a never let in. a never got a shot. something strange is happening here potentially even mythological in scope. would it bother you if in a few hundred years they have unraveled most of the mystery from the prophecies the way we have unraveled Delphi? Every year it seems science and language progresses to bring us a more accurate picture of what happened back then and it is much different then the picture we had imagined. will they unravel the One?

i watched a show last night on absolute zero. they have never gotten there and don't know what happens when they do. i think the One happens there. same thing with Light speed and speeds faster than light. the Speed, just like the Cold, just like the One. when it gets to have an upper case letter it has broken through and gone into beyond. into a place of expansion. what is funny is that every time i get close to boxing it in it becomes more mysterious. the closer i get the darker it becomes. the deeper it goes. the higher the climb. the more still and silent the voice. Time.

the revelation. the Birth of the One. the Life. the Death. the Resurrection. how fitting Mary, mother of Jesus would be the first to the tomb, the womb of the resurrection. i don't understand what happened. what is happening or what will happen. it feels like there is a candle alive in my ear. i wonder if that will remain, if jacob limps in heaven? limping isn't a sin and neither is being retarded. or having down syndrome. it wasn't long ago that many thought that being born a different race made you inferior, does that mean in heaven we all go through some racial cleansing? things couldn't be farther from the truth. in fact, every tribe, tongue and nation are represented. what about every condition? blind isn't bad? in fact i would argue blind might be a good thing at least for your ears. if every scar is healed then how could thomas feel Jesus' side? i think we limp in heaven, a victorious limp. sinners heaven.

in sinners heaven there is sin there are sinners and there is a loving One. let me run this train through the station before we derail it. if anyone has ever been to a meeting we know it goes a little like - hello my name is J. and i am an addict. i have been an addict for x time and i have been clean for x time. now let's get a little touchy with how heaven is. the garden, paradise, eternity in the cool of the garden with the One, but we still have the knowledge we gained from the forbidden tree. we have re-entered into the place said to be banned. we will eat from the tree of everlasting and be in the presence of the One. i think i will need meetings. hello, my name is J. i am a sinner, i have been clean since x. when we fall off the wagon there is grace. we will have this over whelming connection to the One that will propel us towards a more perfect union. this however can not exist with out choice. there has to be the opportunity for us to sin, we don't have to sin. to be love there must be choice. i would rather a sinner's hell than a robot heaven.

the One. both God and Human, dirt and divine. it blows my mind. i have done drugs, real drugs, been high, i have seen the other side of the moon and i still don't get it. i am in love, i know what love is, real love, real friendship, real family, it is part of that and more. it is always and More. Deeper still. i hope you have a blessed ever lasting revelation of the divine.

so check it

if you are a faithful reader of brother J. which i think boils down to G. and maybe D. and SF and potentially Mikey please check out http://hauntedbywaters1.blogspot.com/ it is the blog where i am rocking poetry and fiction stuff. all of your feedback is welcome and encouraged, please help me to grow me as a writer. i think i can rock some shiznit out. if you dig it let me know if you don't say it. thanks ya'll, love ya

The Verse i Promised

"An Evening"

Steam, moving like spirals,
lips the air above my hot chocolate
and hangs around my oak corner booth.

The table with the starfish pink
veneer table top, black and chrome
napkin filer - close to the door.

Sugar glazed windows reflect me
and the February blanket outside,
disregarding time.

Streams of ice stand still and wait.

Tomorrow seems a long ways away as
i sit, letting my eyes drift over gas station tabloids,
red brick walls, and the quiet that is pervasive at this hour.

A stalled snow plow distracts me,
lights flashing in the night.
Tomorrow is a long ways away.



"i watch my head spin"

i watch my head spin in a cup of chai tea
trying to remember who i am
and remember who i was
all i know is that
i fall in love with too many girls
and take too many drugs
and the night claws on like a dragon in the sky
dragging his thick tail across my eyes
and across my back
making its way
to memories of the wonderful girl
i spent the evening with
but i shouldn't love her the way that i do
my dearest of friend, she is not the
one for me, although she is everything
she is not the one for me, and not
what i need
you see, what i need is to have my eyes
sink slowly into my down pillow and to have
the shutters close to the windows of my heart
my head needs the rest only home can provide
but it will not find it, this is one more night
where i can't fall asleep
until 4 a.m.

Til it Fades

Tie me to the radiator - the meds just kicked in and i thought of stealing SSN's and DOB's and names for every reason you can imagine - damn i almost posted song lyrics right there - glad i didn't i can hang through it not gonna lose touch lets go get some. don't lose touch.

my teeth hurt, i am fighting not taking more than the rationed out orange, i will not dope fiend out. i am a walking talking pez dispenser for neuropathic pain killers that grow eyes and vaguely english tongues. they want out of their bottles and into my brain. i ain't gonna and they know it they call me weak and i puff up, i will show em, i will show all of them. this is gonna get nuts. i envsion tesla type madness eminating and ruminating from me.

what i want is real, i want truth whatever comes. One give me what you give me; rose or snake, bread or stone. Lion or Lamb.

there are many things i would like to say

*sometimes the meds i'm on make my chair feel kind of weird, like i am riding in a spaceship, i think the starship enterprise. let's just say i get lifted.

*i don't think much of this is going to last, if it does i am probably going to be ashamed of some of the things i've said and done. i don't want to guess at things or be known of as a fool but life is to short not to live and stay away from the edge of the limb. so let go now from the trunks you hold dear and live for all its worth. now i'm not sayin be an idiot, but life ain't always japanese baseball, sometimes it's okay to swing for the fences.

*it's time for firewood. if the seed is for the field and the trowl is for the hand then what are people like G and i for? i think we are revolutionaries for better and worse. i've got enough gasoline and plenty of matches.

*it is a bad day for my face, it has been tough for writing about it lately, i kind of push it off to the side and ignore it, i do it mainly because to keep me at ease i have to have 18 pots on the fire at once. i have to or i will lose it. a part of me believes my condition is meant to teach me Silence.

*Do you promise me you still love what you loved when you left?

*I need a new tattoo, i don't know what it is going to be, i think it should be small though, i am thinking a harp or a star.

*I know it is a bad day when i wake up at 5:45 and i start to go about my business and the face starts to rev up the hate so i lay down on the floor of the bathroom and nod off and then i dream about ninjas - yes ninjas trying to shoot me in the face with assault rifles - why the fuck do ninjas need AK's??

*not to gloat but if something does last i got to say a few words of praise, first to the One, damn you did and do, and are gonna do well. to my fam we may be broken but we are here, to A. i love you and you are the best, i love you with all my heart, to my friends, wow you guys rock. to my enemies - i am coming for your fingers you better be coming for mine.

*If i am going to wear my headphones and cause myself the pain that comes with touching my ear that way by god i am going to listen to this musi sampler so loud my brain stem jiggles lose and i die a happy hard core death

*we are dirt and breath, bread and wine.

Crushin Blow X: The New Marc

Once Again limited time as it is a thursday and A. has her computer with her and i am at the local book depository, i am "unmedicated" via perscription drugs right now so i am incredibly lucid. however, i am incredibly medicated with the new Marc. instead of the common 1 shot i get, i got 7. 3 in the mouth 4 in the face. it has me taken care of until i get home but i had to drop by and do this. i confirmed with my doc i prbably shouldn't be driving, cheers to that, i am about to lose even more money to the state as a pay a fine for being delinquent. anyway, some noticable patterns, the wind is brutal on my condition but the day after is bad too, saying words with hard consanants poses problems.

i am bewaring the ides of March today. i heed when a seer sees.

anyway, the hour is short and the work is long i need to be off.

a murmur among the flurry grows.

Crusing Blow IX: The New Dose

today was strange, well, let me refrase, today was loaded. my new meds are like wacky taffy in my brain, stretching and pulling it in all directions. i am pretty confident i shouldn't drive. but guess what i am still behind the wheel - hells yeah! or hells no. who knows, better yet who cares, what really counts - what really counts - when the drugs wear off - when the chips are gone - when the booze dry up - when the fire dies down - when the thunder goes away - when there is neither dark nor light - what really will count is whether or not the One knows you. that is straight from the mouth of the One. i have no clue what this may mean. if it is anything like what i imagine it is the real of relationship. i am gonna try and relate it to me and my dogs but it ain't gonna work but i am gonna try.

my dogs know me. they know my scent, so when i come home smelling of other dogs they check me out close. they know my voice, so when i am angry or happy they respond. they know my face, my motion. in fact, i think one of them even knows my disease. ebony has figured out to approach me from the left side of my face. their senses are filled with the memory of me so they konw me and defend me without reserve. they respond when i am weak and when i am strong. now get this, my dogs and i don't speak the same language, we may use some of the same words like food or outside but we are talking a max of 50 words. then we talk about life span. i out span the dogs i am before them and after them. now for the sake of discussion grant me the provision without dispute that my intellect far outpaces a dogs (this debate needs to take place else where). so we have a situation where the dogs know me and live in trust of my provision and i know them, i have given one of them their true name. her common name is Cali but her true name is Calico Jade the Empress of Stinktown. i know her, i know the mama dog, granted she was a farm dog so we don't know the sire but we can assume i could. i know the owners of the other dog. i know the farm where she came from and the trailer under which she hid. i know my mutts and they know me. i feel confident, if i maintained the exchange of death then these mutts would make it through the gates.

i guess what i am sayin is we are dogs. we lick ourselves, eat grass, shit, chase ball, hump legs, hunt the air, point, slobber, live of nature, respond in kind - but we can be tamed and we can know some things, we can be trained to know a few words and concepts like food and love. and we can be taught not to go indoors. we can be loved.

people get all bent out of shape trying to be something that isn't human. now there are some dogs that are ultra trained seein eye dogs. way to go guys - and for once i am not being sarcastic about this, being able to learn more words from the master is good. and there are some wolves, which is also good, sometimes there is some stuff in the world that needs to be taken care of. i guess what i am sayin is be what you are. just be what you are with the One. in the end we are all different there isn't one way that is going to be just right for everyone. take it like this. i have two mutts, Cali and Ebony. they know me differently, different eyes, ears, noses, tongues, different minds. the way they get me, the same me, will be similar but totally diferent.

so here's my new dose, this is the new word the one is trying to teach me today: diverse brotherhood. the basic gig is that we come with tons of preconceived notions of how things are supposed to be so we force this construct onto our perseptions of the world and anticipations of others. my dream is to break down the constructs in my head and begin communicating with the One in a real way. i also want to hear from my different brothers and sisters who are learning the language of the One to share their pictures of the One so i can be blessed and so they can be blessed by telling there story.

which comes to what G. and i would like to call a 1%er church. still in its conception. but a whisper.

Crushing Blow VII: New Drugs

i don't have much time today, i am at the local library writing this and i have already burned my hour down to 21 minutes. i have been researching the new (additional) perscription i am on. it is called topamax, and in contrast to the guess made by G., it is a hardcore anti seisure, anti bi-poalr, anti convulsant, anti PTSD drug. every new step in this adventure points to serious business, just thinking that without my insurance my scrips would run $300 a month, not counting the every 3 week shot i get in my face. it makes me feel for those who don't have the ability to have these drugs on the cheap like i do. what do the poor do when the demons come? gives me better insight to the healing ministry of the One. sick and poor often go hand in hand, wonderfully crafted is the message of sinner's heaven. poor man's heaven, sick man's heaven. where the sinner is saint, the poor are rich and the sick are healed. not in the process but in essence. there is no sorrow heaven can't heal. it's good to have the deep breath of relief that if i must suffer with this, if my weird nerve disorder is truly my gimp, my thorn, my cup, one day i will be healed. and if i dig deep into the constructs of time and how the dichotomy of the One dissects everything, i realize i am healed now. yay though i sorrow, even though i pain i am healed. i am both the dead man and the living man. and if i break the wall and ruin the false perception of the church which keeps its' members in the chokehold, i am already resurrected.

this part is for you mr. john edwards... i may be a sinner in the hand of an angry god but i am also a saint in the hand of a loving god. and they are One, and i am one. at the same time. without error. coexistantly. as much as i am sick then i am healed.

a little verse for the end of a post:

so let us go let us die, let that moonshine in our eye
and the night time be the best thing for us now
let sorrow be our friend, that we worship at the end
if the first shall be the last i'm at the rear

Crushing Blow VI: the morning after

so i realized that my last post was kinda wacky, in the end i really just wanted to push out the crazyness my head was going through, i just don't dig what i am rolling currently. it sounds weird but i think writing the crazy things helped me, not sure how but i feel a little more decompressed in my head. it was a lot like the painting the other night. it didn't make my face stop hurting but it gave my mind the space to settle. imagine trying to mix too many ingredients in a small bowl, there just isn't enough room. writing, painting, music, all things just making he bowl bigger. i realize after more careful review my thoughts weren't limited to horror last night at the walgreens. i had a nice talk with the man in the texas hat, we talked about the BCS mistake that is college football. got to be nice to some folks in the store. i know it's lame for me to mope around all tragic like i felt last night...there are those who have it harder than me, hard to keep that present of mind. heck i think i need to slow it down more.

near the river of pain.