exposure

do you ever feel like you are not allowed to be yourself? where you think others perceptions of you and what you do and will say will be misunderstood so you are trapped into indecision. you think too much about what others think to do anything? to say anything? to write anything. i feel circumstances closing in on me. i feel like the things i really need to write down can't be written, well at least not here. so why do it at all? ego. i am trying to maintain some semblence of self, a picture of the elusive dorian grey. i always had some imagination that countless multitudes of internet unknowns read my blog and took pity and strength from it. that maybe life was tough and it was a good glimpse into that, that struggles are universal, that bad thoughts about good people can exist without them being truly dangerous. that good disent breaths inside the soul everyone. i am finding that to be painfully untrue.

there are good people who don't care about being the villan, they don't hear the ominous knock on the door that makes me want to own WMD's. people exist without pressing paranoia about the future, they are content to follow dreams, to want natural things, they aren't deviants. there are some but few like me. and that is ego. for a long while i thought i could cry my voice into the wilderness in hopes that those like minded would come, would congregate under the tree of mutation and love life with a relish. i had always hoped God would show up there. but i keep writing to it, praying to it, hoping to it, and more often than not there is silence. but i doubt that is the absence of gods effects but more like my dull senses.

where are you heart? have you gone to a corner i can not see? is there places you can travel where my mind can not go, and do you remember that you left me hear. voiceless, senseless, starving for food i can't eat.

if god knows your name but you can't hear it when it is spoken do you have a name? do you have to recoginze yourself to exist, and if the answer is yes then who the fuck am i?