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when i was 17 a friend gave me my first mixed tape. early bright eyes, kind of like spitting, and a little band called rainy day regatta. i am still listening. the tape is long gone but i hunted the nation for the RDR ep, they only pressed about 5000 copies on vinyl out of a little kansas record company about 14 years ago. it took a while but i found it. i've had it for a few years, but i haven't had a record player for a little while. i've had one since december, and needless to say i am listening.

the songs take me to a weird place. a place where i get a little confused about the things i want. i wish i could explain it better than that. but that's all there is, maybe i am influenced too often by too trivial of things.

how does someone talk openly about desires? to me that's the true mark of trust. do you trust enough to share not just who you are but the things you desire? secret fires and all of that. i feel like i am piling up things inside, i am afraid to tell anyone. i am afraid i am not who you think i am, i am afraid i am not who i think i am. i am afraid opening my mouth will end the things i love and cherish most. it is arrogance to think the things inside me are that powerful, it is fear that keeps them in.

i am afraid i am not like you, not like many. like just only the very few. i go to work and i do not feel like they are like me. i do not know what they desire. they do not show themselves. i try to drop hints but they do not hear them, they do not see them. we are all different, i wonder how different we are. i am afraid i am using everyone in my life. i don't know if anyone gets the real deal. would the real deal be rejected? it is a very conceited and selfish thought to believe in uniqueness. it is actually entirely self focused. completely inward driven. it is racked with self importance.

this is the sin of my father, and his father, and his father before him. we are full of ourselves. full of pride. full of self centerdness. i keep looking for the end game. for the thing that is important, the key to unlocking the door. the mechanism that will make the things inside less scary for me to share. is everyone afraid of the things in their heart? do you fear showing yourself? are you free to say what is on your mind, or do the things in your mind make those around you tremble? do the things in your heart make those around you live or die? i am not convinced of our times.

i am not convinced of time.