"An Evening"
Steam, moving like spirals,
lips the air above my hot chocolate
and hangs around my oak corner booth.
The table with the starfish pink
veneer table top, black and chrome
napkin filer - close to the door.
Sugar glazed windows reflect me
and the February blanket outside,
disregarding time.
Streams of ice stand still and wait.
Tomorrow seems a long ways away as
i sit, letting my eyes drift over gas station tabloids,
red brick walls, and the quiet that is pervasive at this hour.
A stalled snow plow distracts me,
lights flashing in the night.
Tomorrow is a long ways away.
"i watch my head spin"
i watch my head spin in a cup of chai tea
trying to remember who i am
and remember who i was
all i know is that
i fall in love with too many girls
and take too many drugs
and the night claws on like a dragon in the sky
dragging his thick tail across my eyes
and across my back
making its way
to memories of the wonderful girl
i spent the evening with
but i shouldn't love her the way that i do
my dearest of friend, she is not the
one for me, although she is everything
she is not the one for me, and not
what i need
you see, what i need is to have my eyes
sink slowly into my down pillow and to have
the shutters close to the windows of my heart
my head needs the rest only home can provide
but it will not find it, this is one more night
where i can't fall asleep
until 4 a.m.
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4 comments:
here is an eval i sent to one of the Boyeees as flav would say - i went with more modern vibe stuff that fit the moods of the season so i think i get away with being a little lack luster. i would give them a combined 92% the first i like but i feel could use one more dig and i think the second is great but needs better punctuation. i think one more draft of each and they could both be perfect, i am a little ashamed now that i put them up in the shape they are in but what can ya do...
Ok here we go on this.
Poem the First:
I've read it through a few times now. And I'm starting to realize that I like it for the reason that I said I didn't like it earlier today. That there is no closure, no conclusion. It makes my mind explore. It makes it wander to where is this person going, or waiting for, or doing.
Knowing you and your history, all I can think of is you waiting, the day before your dad gets out. That bitter and sweet and melancholy that happens just before completion.
I really like that one now.
This is why I read poetry slowly.
Poem the Second:
I know that you can take this because you are a big boy. This has the elements of a good poem, but over all is not.
Part of it I think is the punctuation. It throws the feel of the whole thing off for me. But that is because I have a secret language of punctuation when I'm writing poetry, and I'm inferring a lot of my inflections into it.
With that said.
I like the dragon imagry. And think that there is something there, but I don't think the poem works as a whole.
I'm sure that with your magic word touch you can change my mind though.
see and that is why i need you and your mettle - i like the first one. i think it stands as is, the second is weak, i can taste it. it's like starbucks when i need margies. we can polish that one up. both will be re-submitted on the other blog. i think the other two will be there too...
It's like Starbucks when you need Sailor is more appropriate. Savvy?
There is something there. But it isn't there.
Personally I would scrap it and start over. But that may just be the rum talking.
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