i had seen him despondent a few times as of late but sometimes the answer that love gives is the hardest one to take.
why do we we sleep when he cries? i bet that there are the noble few that slumber from exhaustion, my guess is that he knows not to take them to the garden at midnight. if you have been busting ass in the fields a bloody midnight romp around the wine press isn't your idea of a joke. no, if you are genuinely tired you get to stay in bed and sleep but if your shoulder gets tapped to come into the moonlight you are there for a reason. so then, why? when needed most did they - do we - sleep?
there are many answers to the question. i think there are times when it is easier to shut our eyes to something than admit that it is happening. it is hard to accept the role as observer or supporting cast so instead we opt to not play the game. to fall asleep is as self centered as Cephas declaring he would never deny and would fight to the death to prevent the will of the One. Our natural inclination is to grab the wheel (be the centre) and if we can't to drop out completely. also, think about the overwhelming sadness of the situation. in most of the midnight hours i've needed to participate in they are emotionally draining scenarios. i think they may have gone with the intent of staying awake. we try to sit in the moonlight. with muffled prayers, we wake up an hour later realizing our last prayer was spoken to the first dream we saw.
i wonder if they missed the sense of urgency, they couldn't have, no - they could have - we miss it every day.
then there is the flip side. He knew. He knew they would fall asleep, granted he gave them their rounds for falling aslumber but the idea is that you get to look upon a couple of your closest mates in a state of comfort when you are in complete agony and you get to breath a sigh of relief and say thanks to your Dad because they don't have to go through it. right before you jostle them out of their dreams about that girl they saw down by the shoreline or that amazing miracle they saw you do a couple of days ago or their dreams of the future - right before then Your eyes fall on them, asleep, at peace, not in pain, not suffering, not drowning, not dirty, free, unabused - and then you round them up and with a hidden smile berate them a little. i can dig it. you were a hidden smile kinda guy, for as much as you smiled outside i know you smiled on the inside too, even for as much as you hurt on the outside. i want to smile on the inside too even as much as i hurt sometimes.
so we fall asleep for a hundred different reasons. and when that winepress gets almost full we can get our pillows ready, cause he's gonna tap a few shoulders to join him in the garden. and ya know i am gonna fight to stay awake and the nights i do i'll be happy i took to my cup because apparently awake was my cup that night. but just as much as awake is sometimes my cup, sometimes love gets drowned in a pool of tears and sleeping it off is the only cup we have. and for that we shouldn't be ashamed, except maybe a little red in the face when He comes and asks what her name was and if she is so pretty maybe we should do more than dream about her.
so yup - i fell asleep when you needed a friend - you picked a bastard lot to hang around with - you knew me, you loved me, you love me, you smiled and i love you too.
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