i sometimes wonder if the dust will ever really settle. i know it won't but i like to wonder; the whole world has its' struggles and its' joys. we are all barely getting by and at the same time we seem to be surrounded by the over abundance of it all. sometimes the answer that love gives is the hardest one to take. i am ashamed by the things i have done yet i have talked to those who aren't, it makes me wonder if they know what it's like to be a sinner or if they know what it's like to be forgiven? i often find myself torn between the two, sometimes the sparks from the alters of heaven or hell finding me long enough to set me on fire to make me an agent for one or the other to at least get something done.
Unfortunately, i think i have probably done more harm than good but i don't know how to judge the competition fairly, that's probably why i'm not the judge and why i'm not content not to judge. i don't know what's in the hearts of other men and women, i barely know what's in my own. i often think that's the trick of the Gospel; we really can't know when we answer that final curtain call that heaven will be waiting for us, we trust it is. in fact, the deeper i dig there is less and less i know for sure. quite literally, depending on how much thought has gone on in the day, i am trusting that i exist enough to drink water and need to continue living.
some days are easier than others, just as much as there are good days for farming and there are not. and while the problems of the brain may not seem as real or as urgent as real a problems as global poverty or AIDS or any other mass humanitarian crisis i can assure you that in the midnight hour the things of the heart and brain can be just as bleak as any epidemic. i think it comes down to duration. i come out of bad thought episodes in a day or two, crippling poverty is rarely escaped. however, it seems as though people who's hearts are conditioned for hope more readily trust. teach a heart to trust in the One and have that be their sustenance and there will be an expectation that breeds near compliance on the part of the One. and it's not forced servitude, it's Love.
So it is with hope we face the darkness that the One is conditioning our hearts to be hearts of hope and trust. i must hurt often enough so that i may understand healing, if i never hurt i can never be healed, and if every time i hurt my first inclination is to grab the reins and steer my way out of trouble then from what have i been rescued? i have never been saved. so i do not sin that grace may increase, i sin because i need to be saved. i am pain because i need healing. i am blind so i need to see.
i know all of this, i have known it for a time, in fact i think it only gets deeper, the longer we get around grace the more we realize we need it. the more i know i don't know anything but i love it completely. i think what i am loving today though is how beautiful the puzzle fits together, i have a couple of people to thank for this. first, to the REV, you are right sir there ain't no suenos in Texas, thanks for being there for me. secondly, to the Koehns, ya'll are mud in my eyes when i need it the most. how do you tell two people that every time they do something you swear you never saw before.
and to the bus driver who smiled at me this morning, or maybe we smiled at each other,i hope it meant to you what you meant to me today, i wouldn't have made it today if not for you. i still have a little bit left but it will make it. i latched on and i haven't forgotten. it may have been small and between two sheets of glass and 40 mph but that was more human than most of what i got today and most of what i gave today.
Unfortunately, i think i have probably done more harm than good but i don't know how to judge the competition fairly, that's probably why i'm not the judge and why i'm not content not to judge. i don't know what's in the hearts of other men and women, i barely know what's in my own. i often think that's the trick of the Gospel; we really can't know when we answer that final curtain call that heaven will be waiting for us, we trust it is. in fact, the deeper i dig there is less and less i know for sure. quite literally, depending on how much thought has gone on in the day, i am trusting that i exist enough to drink water and need to continue living.
some days are easier than others, just as much as there are good days for farming and there are not. and while the problems of the brain may not seem as real or as urgent as real a problems as global poverty or AIDS or any other mass humanitarian crisis i can assure you that in the midnight hour the things of the heart and brain can be just as bleak as any epidemic. i think it comes down to duration. i come out of bad thought episodes in a day or two, crippling poverty is rarely escaped. however, it seems as though people who's hearts are conditioned for hope more readily trust. teach a heart to trust in the One and have that be their sustenance and there will be an expectation that breeds near compliance on the part of the One. and it's not forced servitude, it's Love.
So it is with hope we face the darkness that the One is conditioning our hearts to be hearts of hope and trust. i must hurt often enough so that i may understand healing, if i never hurt i can never be healed, and if every time i hurt my first inclination is to grab the reins and steer my way out of trouble then from what have i been rescued? i have never been saved. so i do not sin that grace may increase, i sin because i need to be saved. i am pain because i need healing. i am blind so i need to see.
i know all of this, i have known it for a time, in fact i think it only gets deeper, the longer we get around grace the more we realize we need it. the more i know i don't know anything but i love it completely. i think what i am loving today though is how beautiful the puzzle fits together, i have a couple of people to thank for this. first, to the REV, you are right sir there ain't no suenos in Texas, thanks for being there for me. secondly, to the Koehns, ya'll are mud in my eyes when i need it the most. how do you tell two people that every time they do something you swear you never saw before.
and to the bus driver who smiled at me this morning, or maybe we smiled at each other,i hope it meant to you what you meant to me today, i wouldn't have made it today if not for you. i still have a little bit left but it will make it. i latched on and i haven't forgotten. it may have been small and between two sheets of glass and 40 mph but that was more human than most of what i got today and most of what i gave today.
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