Direction

i find myself fumbling through pre mixed radio stations hoping to find a track i like. onc efound i know i will be hitting the repeat button for the next little while. i have to have a soundtrack as i write. i don't really love words enough to put them down in times like these. actually, i don't really love anything that passionately. shamefully i am not really passionate about anything. shameful that is, downright shameful.

i think back, when was i really passionate? not just some washed up, trumped up plea for someone else's or something's love? when was it i last moved out of my own heart? when there wasn't a god to please, no love to abide in, no other person to try and manage, no rent? i think i am asking when was i last a child? i think i was ruined when i was and under the play ground equipment with that little girl. ruined since 4, fodder for the fires that eat the spewed lukewarm. what wakes up my heart?

more specifically, my damn heart wants me to be lit alive with something that doesn't warrent fire or cell - the problem is i don't have a fucking clue what that is. the things that bring me spirit, those things that make my heart race, make me seem alive - those things are the things i am not supposed to want. yet the things that some people say are supposed to make me come alive - those are the things i hate the most. truly grace was made for men like me. but yet i feel as though i shouldn't revel in my shame or continue in those ways, i just don't see the good in doing any better.

as i type this i can't help but to look at my skeleton fingers in the light of the computer screen, the veins wrapping them in a thin, green, vascularity. i may not have been healthy before all of this but the drugs and the sickness have taken a toll on me. i may be okay for one battle but i would be shit in a war right now. i get this horrible sinking ffeeling that i am not goodenough for anybody, that noone i am ith will ever be getting the upside of the deal. how could anyone benefit falling for a two timing, druggie, a gambler with control issues, who would rather fight, think he's right, who hates most living and walkin, can't stand himself, self loathing, self righteous ass? i may paint it a little bleak - but all of those things are me, maybe not all at the same time but those are all my adjectives lined up. i know there are some qualities not listed but fuck all, i ain't about that right now. this one's about how i am fucked and need a real heart.

like the tin man, like the scarecrow, the cowardly lion, pinnochio, i need something. i need an epiphany moment where from thence i will need no other answers - i have never had one. i have had the lies of one, those which i self manufacture, moments i generated in my mind, imaginations of those moments that change everyone else's lives. i think everyone needs one, or multiple of those moments. i won't tell you how many of those in the world have't had them but you know there are a lot of them. the only difference between them and me is i need one, i want one. i want a moment that opens me up, pulls me forth and says "this one is yours, drink every drop and be forever changed."

i guess for now i will wait with my broken compass, i sleep with shoes and pants on so when he comes i will follow, i just can't hear his calling. i feel like i wait for my groom that will never come. and that while i keep my oil wet and wick trimmed everyone else sucks the teet spiggot on the barrel labled fat of the land. so i lose it and spill som eoil, i cut the wick too low, i just get scarred every now and then, that you aren't coming, or not coming through for me. i get so low that there are times where i convince myself that's true and that makes me want to end it all, especially if it doesn't mean anything.

i am sick in the head. sick the heart. sicin the soul. i need healing omr that foous font,i just don't know where it is. and basically fuck those assholes who say some cheesy shit like "oh you're stand in it" insert putrid grin here. just a moment, a moment in the right direction, is all i need.