Lightning Strikes Twice

i don't know where to begin. everything is out of place in my mind. the most frustrating thing is that there isn't anywhere to turn. silence and emotion surround me, they are walls that keep me internalizing, keep me from being better. i am not sure i can lose anything else. all of my life i had a voice, a way to say what i needed to say, a way to be who i needed to be, and now, confronted with me as i am, and not me as i want to be, i am sickened. i am not lucky, i am not graceful, i am not even able to say what i need to say because i am tethered to a debate in my head about how the way things are and how they should be. i feel as though i am constantly dreaming, losing touch more and more with the world around me. i may not even be awake right now, this could all be psychosis or dream. either way i don't feel like i am maintaining connections the way i need to. imagine riding a roller coaster without the safety bar holding you in, that's how i feel. i feel out of control, desperately in need and completely fucked. and on top of that i feel like i am failing because i am this way. like there is something i could do or could have done to prevent this. so this compounds my failure. shame. compulsion. pain. shame.

sentience is the gift i would give back, self awareness is dragging through me like trollers scraping the ocean floor. there is very little me left and what is me doesn't seem to be recognizable as me - so is this thing i am today me? or am i who i think i should be just short of those aspirations? am i who i chose to be? am i created and molded by DNA or History or Economics? What makes me who i am? And how do i reconcile that to making it through the whole of my life? i don't know. but not caring seems to just rush it more to the surface, as i get calm and quiet these nagging questions remain. when i am loud it feels like i am doing so just to force these issues deeper into submission but they will not submit. my mind is a sieve, everything flows through it, nothing remains.

i need something and i don't know what it is. right now it is as if i am in limbo, like i have wound my way up in a corpreal purgatory. give me hell or heaven, just please don't leave me here.