Toil

i think i fancy myself as some sort of pop psychologist. bullshit. well, basically, that's what it is, i try to get a better handle on me by having handles on every one else. it never works, i am still a deviant and while they (you) may be just like me, with your own hidden agendas and short comings, i am still only myself and i am at times a sad excuse for a good man. which i think is a round about way of saying sometimes i am a bad man. i just am bad at accepting the truth about my condition.

the more i think on religion the more i find them all driving towards that one crucial point, why are we a damn mess? and more pointedly, why am i such a damn mess? so i try to think it through and figure it out, spitting into the wind ya know? can't i see the intentional fallacy? how could someone with a whack jobbed brain draw conclusions on the human condition to the point of judgement. how can i even judge myself if i don't trust what i think is true north?

so i am back to this really awkward place where i know i should shut my mouth more, do better to and for others, and live a better life but my intentions should be purer than that i be cleaner so i can see how others are dirtier. and i don't believe in that good for goods sake jambalaya. does god love good things because they are good or are things good because god loves them?

and there is too much of me wanting to feel good about myself, maybe that's the biggest lie of all.