close call

i was close to letting it all go tonight - i am typing this on my phone because i don't have a computer right now, desperate times. i suppose the story is it was a close call and not an all the way call. i am still right here, barely. i just get lonely sometimes, i want something to take away my pain. the doctors want me to do a new high resolution mri to see if i can get a surgery called microvascular decompression. basically if the surgery doesn't work i stay cluckered out of my gourd on meds for the next 10 years praying to the sweet One above that i don't have brain rot. i'm scared, not of pain, i'm scared of tomorrow, that there isn't good news coming. that maybe pain will be the rudder of my life. i'm afraid of what i could do to someone in a moment of horrible pain - what if i were to lose control while driving? what happens if someone confronts me and i just can't stop? i am arrested by the fear of myself. i am astounded by those who have stood by me through this but i don't know how i can expect them to stay... there seems to be no bottom to this pit. it is hard even to imagine the presence of God where i am at, even though i know It is here. i know my friends, family, and loved ones won't abandon me, and i apologize for the self centered rationale which leads me to question their devotion, it is only pain that guides my tongue. i also know someday this will end, to whatever end i meet i gladly look forward to it but i will not hasten its' pace. i am not the keeper of days, i am only the keeper of my heart, and for tonight, while it was close, i kept it here for one more night. what tomorrow holds, i do not know but i hope it is not as close a call as it was today.