when did this storm roll in?

i have four tattoos. not really a large amount, not near enough. each tattoo i have has a saying with it. (i have heard the artists don't like this, preferring the art do the speaking but yeah for now i got words.) These words are:

*Party Animal*

*Faith, Hope, Love*

*True Until Death*

*Rise Up With Me*

They're pretty good words.

i don't know why i start there. with the words that can never leave me. i guess those words become my reality. an architecture i can cling to when the path is undiscovered or when the path is both undiscovered and dangerous. these words are like my talismans. i need more.

i got home last night and was promptly served court papers, i am being sued. it's a bit better today, i called the plaintiff and we are trying to get a resolution going so legal action doesn't have to be taken against me. delightful.

i hate money, it stresses me out, and normally a human would be able to handle this moderately difficult struggle. but like Grandmaster Flash - don't push me because i am close to the edge. this sort of stuff stacks with having a painful medical condition, i won't dive into that now, like i said a stacking effect.

this stack came to the edge last Sunday night. i had a minor pyschotic break where doing and morality didn't meet eye to eye. i am glad G. was there for me. i remember one moment of clarity where my razor blade, the bathtub and cold water looked real good. it was just a brief moment but it was there. i know my reaching out to G. was a cry for help. if it comes time there will be no communication. that's what the psychologists don't get, a suicide prevention phone list won't mean shit when no one gets a call. and if i ever get to that place where it all makes sense, and it is my time, there will be no contacts. i ain't after attention, i ain't after revenge, i am after relief.

i think that's hard for some people. shit it's hard for me. five short days after my breakdown i see how crazy it was. how dangerous i could be. people think i am tough when i am not completely cluckered out of my gourd, there is no measure of how much destruction could occur during a moment when i have lost it. that's looking into the well of madness and trying to measure the bottom. i am both shamed this is in me and i know how much i need help.

you should have known what is real by now, let the judges meet their maker. rings softly in my ear.

i know i am a good man, faithful, true, poor but hardworking. never afraid, full of love, hope, in times full of mirth, i lead others to the best in themselves and i am always dicovering the best in me. i am almost brought to tears thinking about that. about how the very best in me could be overwhelmed in just a moment by the very worst of humankind. one fit of rage, one moment where i go over the edge.

but this is my commitment to myself and to those good people in my life - i am going to at least try to go back for professional help. i want as many tools as i can have to keep the monster at bay.