i don't really believe that. it's just a good title for today and for the confusion i can't seem to discard. i keep trying to figure out what happiness is to me or what sort of goals i am supposed to have, or maybe there are goals that i have that i don't know i have. what happens when you don't want anything in the middle term? in the short term (what i would consider the next 5 to 20 minutes) i want to feel good - essentially pure hedonism, and the ultra longterm (anything over the forseeable future so maybe sometime before death and after everything else) i just want to know the clockwork of the world. i want surety (sp?) again. i want to know something again, i seem to know less and less, less about myself except that there is more instability than i thought. less about purpose and psychology, i have a strong aversion to answers too. i really could care less what other people think about the situation, what i really want is true understanding, now if someone has that then i suppose that is different, but if some pretentious fuck comes up and tries to explain the meaning of life to me the are likely to get the cold ambivilance of the head nod. i want answers, i feel like i am seeking but not finding so that means either i am a liar or it is a liar or we are speaking a language foreign to on another. either way how in the hell does anything get done. how are others not crippled into inaction at this point? isn't nothingness the appropriate response? shouldn't "nothing" be done?
i don't know what i am asking. because i know that something should be done but that doesn't give me too much solice when i don't know what that something is. i have skills and talents for which there aren't occupations and, horribly so, nothing lights my heart like my non-jobs. i think i am converting to sociopathism. morality is becoming more and more ambiguous(sp?). how does anyone know anything? my discontent is burning me up while the majority accept the shit being sold. i don't have any answers though, and i am not sure i should. maybe we need to stop answering questions. maybe our societal discontent is what does the most harm. god what we could do with just a little peace, peace without understanding.
i don't think things anymore, i wish. but then i don't, this is weirdly fulfilling but it is completely narcissitic(sp?) i constantly feel like everything done in this day and age is personal stroking and stoking done to make us feel better? why help people? not because they need it but because we feel bad if we don't. guilt, shame, redemption. fuck living forever. fuck heaven, fuck hell, i don't want either of them. but that's not right either - i don't want what those words have become. who knows what they are anyways? i know i don't want to just disappear. so give one more point to consciousness, it wins everytime. this game is getting old but i don't know if i care enough to quit.
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"i don't know what i am asking. because i know that something should be done but that doesn't give me too much solice when i don't know what that something is. i have skills and talents for which there aren't occupations and, horribly so, nothing lights my heart like my non-jobs. i think i am converting to sociopathism. morality is becoming more and more ambiguous(sp?). how does anyone know anything? my discontent is burning me up while the majority accept the shit being sold. i don't have any answers though, and i am not sure i should. maybe we need to stop answering questions. maybe our societal discontent is what does the most harm. god what we could do with just a little peace, peace without understanding."
This is me. This is my only gospel.
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