Crushing Blow

Today the pain rains down like hammers and anvils. With an almost audible destruction my right trigeminal nerve marches across my face without remorse. It is days like these when i wish i had the courage to examine my situation more and drink the cup i was poured.

in baseball terms it is called a balk...you start the wind up then stop. a stutter step, a flinch, a second thought and the runner moves up and instead of double play territory you have to drop into preservation mode. they have told me brain surgery would potentially silence the hammers and anvils. it could also silence the beauty of art through my right eye, it could dull the kiss on the cheek from a friend, or the pain an honorable enemy could deal me. in short, brain surgery scares the hell out of me. i ignore it but it still lingers there, they put the scalpel to my head the moment they said the words. i am not upset with the doctors, i am not angry about the cards i have been dealt (at least not today), in fact i am not really angry, i am just afraid. i don't know how to play this hand and this is really rare. i have pitches for this batter but i can't pull the trigger. i stand on the mound, lights ablaze, not a huge crowd in attendance but enough to create a pensive stir as i delay. i got a big hitter in the box and i know my stuff ain't great tonight.

i am sorry for all of the allegory and metaphors. i have trigeminal neuralgia : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trigeminal_neuralgia. most days it is controlled fairly well with a prescription neuropathic pain killer. It takes the edge off at least, changing the pain scale from hurting so bad i wish i would just pass out to hurting bad enough to make me wince. It also reduces the occurrences of really bad episodes when it feels like lightning bolts are blowing through my jaw. what an introduction huh? my e.n.t. gave me a shot about 3 weeks ago that helped, the needle placed into my upper jaw, under my lip but deep enough to go through bone and to where it can get to the nerve. i would get that shot every day if i could but i am allowed one every 3 weeks so i can get another one hopefully this week.

more to come, J.