i think i got a full dose of what it means to be real good and human this morning. within three hours i have gone from a troubled soul who might not make the next few minutes to someone who is going to last at least another eighty years. in the same breath comes in the epiphany that not even tomorrow is promised to me. it makes me wonder more and more what, if anything, i am supposed to be. or if i am supposed to be anything other than a follower of the One. that seems so damn esoteric though. however, i know, if, out of the blue, someone in a pressed shirt walked up with a time card and official documents from heaven and said we have everything in order for you her is your new vocation do exactly this for the rest of life i would throw the papers on the ground and spit in his eye. maybe that is my fault. i want my own life still, maybe that is my flaw that i still am living out of a heart for me. Which causes constant frustration anytime someone slightly taps the tank. let's be honest, most the time i am the monster in the water. let's paint it even more clear, i am an alligator, go ahead put your head near my mouth, then maybe you can hear what i am talking about.
i just can't seem to connect lately, i seem out of balance. it seems deep and broken. like everything looks like it should be running, and it is running but there is a thump that if you get still enough you can hear. i just can't seem to locate my tell-tale heart. i want to say it began with the Trigeminal Neuralgia but i think it is deeper, i want to blame it on the apple but i didn't taste it, i want the blame to be everything except me yet i know that the blame is with me, but what is me? Is "me" the choices i have made, history, what has happened, what will happen (remember if we think fourth dimensionally everything for the One has already happened and thus already is exists, so you have already eaten breakfast tomorrow, and to a greater extent are already in the Kingdom.), is "me" my thoughts, the One's thoughts? If i had a real guess at what was happening here i think we are the dreams of the One. when we dream it gets to be imagination when the One dreams it becomes us. the Atom bomb is a nightmare, plagues are nightmares, heaven is the place where the One meets Its' dreams.
Do dreams know they are dreams? we don't know. it might not matter, i think it does, and i hope they don't, and i hope they live in their world because it is a beautiful place. the same way we live, with only smatterings of the divine. but it doesn't help me understand what i am? or who i am? i believe i am more than just chemical and mineral and electricity but these are the only ingredients science can give, the soul has no weight. but i know, i hope, i have a soul. but when i look in the mirror i get scared sometimes. i get lonely sometimes. there are times when i think i can see the Face of the One, and there are times when that sentence looks more like -"i see the Face of the One" but this is not one of those times. there are times when i think of killing myself just to find out. i know i won't do it but that is the truth. i am scared though because so many people have told me that if you kill yourself the One won't have a damn thing to do with you. well i think that is bullshit but i don't have the guts to prove them wrong. but it seems funny, maybe the point is that you have to be willing to die, whether by your own hand or someone else's to get in. maybe that is why He was able to conquer death, He wasn't afraid of it. He looked it in the eye after a perfect life and said you can't keep me, and if i am covered under such a sacrifice then i can do anything - anything - and look it in the eye and say you can't keep me. - - but that's not it, that's a selfish asshole take on it and i know it, so what gives.
i say love and roll the dice, play the hand you are dealt and play it the best you can. get your as back up on that flying elephant and give it another go. when the lights go out for the last time i want to know they went out on a heart that left nothing left.
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