i watched the first snow of the season today. i am thankful for that. i also got to see my team win a tight game in the first round of the MLB playoffs. i am also thankful for that. i got to talk to my dad, my A., my dogs, i got to wake up today, i didn't get shot and other major tragedies didn't strike. i am thankful for all of these things today. you have to say your thankyous before you let the rope go.
my face and head have hurt since monday afternoon. i am scared i am runnign out of FMLA time, and i am never scared. congratulations sickness you have painted me into the corner. i can't fight you, you have no body to strike, i can not reason with you, you have no mind, i can not plead with you, you have no heart, you are worse than the devil. at least the devil will look you in the eye and lie. you, you, you bastard child of the fall, i hate you. you make things in me no man can make, no woman can cause, no devil or angel can conjure. if i could put my hands on you i would strangle you. i thought of taking my eye out last night i have a knife and a heart able to do so. i thought of going into the emergency room and sticking that knife in my belly just to get somepain killers better than what i got. i can't sleep anymore but if i could get some anesthesia, every day, that would be better.
so what will it be!? you sickness, will you take my soul?? no, you can have my mind, you can have my body, but you can not have my essence! you may have me in the corner, you may have me over the barrel in the back alley, but you can not rape me if i enjoy it! you can not rape me if i ask you to penetrate me! so there it is, fuck me! fuck me you sickness! give it to me as hard as you can! make me hurt, make me feel the horror! make me blind and teary eyed with pain! make me want the end of all things! but see this is the trade, i want you to hurt me so now you do not control me! i want the pain so you do not afflict me, hurt me!
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Nós ossos que aqui estamos pelos vossos esperamos
3 comments:
Know this:
While your pain is trying to kill, rape and steal. There are people out here who love you. If it had a neck I would be right next to you snapping it. But I have to settle of semi-potent prayers and the faith that this has some purpose. No matter how vague.
I love you brother. And I don't mean in the weak ass christian brother sense. I mean in the brother at arms, comrade, compadre, mate, way. Tell me if you aren't going to survive.
you will be on the top of the call list if shit is hitting the fan and i am driving to the desert. i am not there yet. i have settled into this weird peace about it right now. like sentience has given me the window to observe pain. as long as it is mine, and i am the one who has the pain, and not when the pain has me, we will be okay. semper fidelis.
I'm on my knees for you, J. I'm breathing a sigh of relief that you're in a state of "peace" with this (admittedly I fret too much), but if I could yank the pain from you, I certainly would. Then stomp it to the ground. If you need anything, you know you can get a hold of me.
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